!

leaving.

Thu, 11 Jan 2007 02:09:17 GMT

I'm closing this whole "other" journal thing.

You see, I have two journals and this was my journal that I posted the more personal stuff, but I don't think I really need it anymore because i have my priorities straightened out and don't necessarily need to acquire a journal strictly for being insane and wanting to lose weight

I really want all of you to add me on my other journal as I would love to keep in contact with most of you and always catch up on how you are doing.

Bye!

Please add me on pas_____amusant

A "You don't need this" entry for a "You don't need this" moment

Tue, 21 Nov 2006 01:58:13 GMT

No one should ever feel that lonely, you know. I mean I was doing some thinking. I feel alone a lot but it really isn't in a way that is depressing or attention deprived or a facade of pretending no one is ever there for me. It really isn't like that at all. It is more or less a nostalgic approach to the things I can and can't have.

Maybe.
Maybe, that's what it is.

I guess, though, the people that do feel lonely when they are alone are just boring people, because that can't entertain themselves. I think, though, I feel more alone with a group of pals than i do sitting here. I mean I'm really not bored. I am just alone is all.

I'm so tired.
I'm so, so, so, so, tired. I mean more mentally than physically.
That leads out to a whole different explanation for everything.

Ohhhhh, also...We drove to San Diego at 10pm to sit on the beach and watch the sunset then drove back and got home by 10am.

13 Somethings just are left that way

Mon, 18 Sep 2006 03:31:26 GMT

People get tired of me, you know. I mean slowly they do. Atleast, that's what I have picked up from a lot of past relationships. I go first, they never go before me. They have never gone out of my life because I decided it was time for a good end and closure, they just walk out because they are done and tired of me. They get tired of me quickly. Sometimes, a few moments of days after first really having good conversations with me. Someone knows why, I don't.

I mean that's really all there is to it.
You'll get tired of me.

12 So far, Not Brill

Mon, 04 Sep 2006 01:52:43 GMT

You know, I start to eat but there will always be that little bit that wants to loose the weight again.

Come on now. I hate it when I stop talking to people whose company I enjoyed. Why do people do that anyways, but I guess everyone does it. I only do it when I stop liking the person. I like to think they still like me but decided to rearrange the scale of closeness our relationship had. Or maybe they just all get tired of me.

11 I hope it's on your mind too

Sat, 26 Aug 2006 07:52:14 GMT

I'm sick of this bullshit. I really don't appreciate the fact that my mother really has been on my back about all this weight business lately.

I really don't want to have this problem anymore. It's completely taking over the time of my life that should be lived a different way then it is now. I want to eat and not even care about it. I DONT WANT TO BE SELF CONSCIOUS. I WANT TO HAVE LOADS AND LOADS OF SELF ESTEEM AND I WANT TO HAVE AN EGO.

I hate every single broad that puts a low self esteem on themselves because they love to feel sorry for their own bodies and brains. IT JUST SHOULDN'T WORK OUT THAT WAY, because if you can have a side of you that does feel satisfied with who you are then why the hell would you not use it?

And I know all this junk sounds so predictable, but you can either take it with you or leave it at the table.

Slamming doors Slamming doors Slamming doors Slamming doors Slamming doors.

10. Go Back

Thu, 10 Aug 2006 03:42:27 GMT

I'm slowly avoiding people that I don't want to associate with anymore.

9. Now

Fri, 04 Aug 2006 01:40:35 GMT

I think I have a lot to let out but I can't. I can't because I think it'd just be redundant. There isn't enough vocabulary in my brain to go around.

My brother goes back on the 22nd to Marquette.

Sometimes I really do wish someone did read this. I really mean it too. I know most of you just skim over it and official deem me as a mad man.

But I'm not a mad man. In the mind of mr. dali, a mad man has no idea he's insane. I know i'm insane.

Well what else? I just want to leave this window open because I know I am forgetting something.

I dont know, Go away already?
Everybody should just go away.
go away
go away
g
o
away

Or I could just go away.
But i don't have lots of will power.
WHY CAN'T IT BE A MUTUAL THING?!
I GO AWAY
THAT ONE GOES AWAY.

I feel so dumb all the time now.
lonely and dumb and lonely and dumb and redundant and lonely and dumb and lonely and dumb and redundant and lonely and dumb and ciao.

Also, I have a I dont even have a word for it. I have some sort of something with a guy. It's nothing permanent or long. He's probably just lonely and dumb too.

8. UGHSFJSKFJJSDFSDFSDF

Tue, 25 Jul 2006 05:16:44 GMT

Does anyone else get really anxious and frustrated and overwhelmed and stressed out when other people talk about how much stuff they have instore for them and how much they are going to be doing in the next couple months and how their lives are just moving along nicely? I do, and I feel like my life is moving along terribly. Life is toooo much toooo fast toooo slow tooooooooooooooooooooo not worth it.

7. Mad World

Mon, 24 Jul 2006 23:06:10 GMT

Today I tried to do something different and just ended up with saying the same thing. You know, instead of making lists like i usually do i decided to seperate the people i know into different categories. I ended up with only 2 categories and one was "shit" and the other one was "not-shit". To say the least there was only one person under the "not-shit" category (it's worth mentioning that it wasn't my own self).

I havn't even had anything to eat today and it hasn't bothered me a bit. I'm not even hungry yet, and I don't know why.

I think it is so awkward how people say cheesy lines inorder to encourage you. I usually end up just thinking too hard about these cheesy lines and they end up becomming negative. The school sent out these postcards that, i guess, they figured would help us actually want to do something with our lives? I don't see how postcards and credible pictures of students I know don't do much with their time will encourage our future. Maybe they thought slapping that cheesy quote on it would change the whole jist of the postcard and persuade me to hang it up on my wall and look at it everyday in hopes of "shaping my future". That's what it said. It said "Only you can shape your future". I don't know about you but that is a bunch of bullshit. Reality and the mad world shapes your future and that's that. Nothing else to it.

6. Did I Ever Tell You That I Make Lists of Lots of Things?

Wed, 19 Jul 2006 03:35:21 GMT

15 things you probably didn't know about me

1. I generally don't speak my mind because no one listens, and when I do I just sound annoying.

2. I get really upset when people call me mean, rude, or dumb.

3. I get irritated with large groups of people.

4. I really hate to say this cliche statement but I honestly and truly believe love is suuuucchhh a façade, and I will never find it not because of my stand-offish attitude, but because it just simply isn't ROMANTICALLY real or possible.

5. I'm afraid of the future more than anything in the whole wide world when i think about it i get nauseous and start to worry IMMENSELY.

6. I get attached easily, just like everyother girl on the plannet. The problem is, I wear my heart on my sleeve and usually the person I'm attached to has no idea....and I don't ever tell them.

7. When someone makes me cry I make sure they don't find out that they made me cry and how awful it was.

8. I always think everything means something. The other day I was grabbing a patato chip and it had a hole in the shape of a heart right in the middle of it. I really do think it means something..so I'm keeping it.

9. I have this whole box of shit that is sentimental to me. Being the ridiculous person i am....i have Nick's root beer can in there from the shitty year of 8th grade.

10. For the first time in my life I actually like my friends more than they like me.

11. I really wanted to be an artist since I was 4, but realized I suck so now I don't attempt any sad piece of shit i can fart out

12. I think that competion ruins everything and I wish it would just go away, because I suck at competition and "competition's what life is"...so says my History teacher.

13. In arguments, I wont stop arguing..even if the argue-ee says that I am right and to drop it I will shut my mouth for about 1 minute and then get really worked up in my brain and start shouting other vulgarities and things of the like to get my point across. It's not that I want to be right, it's just that I just like a satisfying and REAL end to arguments.

14. When my history teacher told me that the colleges standards are getting higher everywhere I wanted to starve, kill, and puke myself from my anxiety and decided thaaaaaat.....

15.....that i just want to work at Starbucks for the rest of my life.

5. 1.2.3.4.

Tue, 18 Jul 2006 00:59:04 GMT

So amazingly enough i have 4 options for tonight.

1. Indulge in a fatty meal of sushi with a few of my pals and gals, and chit chat about the hard parts of summer like...the heat, and then maybe have a couple drinks afterward.

2. Sunny and spencer are gathering the whole hipster squad at their house and decided it would be nice for me to join. This im not particularly interested in.

3. Have Anna come over so we can complain about how fat we have gotten.

4. Sleep.

I'm really leaning towards four. I have been too lazy. I always get this way when when too many people want to do too many things. I ask myself, how come not the days when i jump out of bed and actually feel like being a social person. Besides it is, as a matter of fact, a billion degrees out.

Anyways today I ate a wrap at some deli that my dad pretty much made a scavenger hunt to find for my brother and me. He eats there everyday yet he can't remember the name and any landmarks around it. I mean the huge corporate best buy might've given us a little hint to help us lead to the fact that it was actually called JASONS DELI and not JERSEY MIKES....are those even similar to eachother? I had half of the wrap too. So far I've probably eaten only around a handful of calories. Handful meaning the whopping number of 500, but hey thats not that bad. Riiiight?

Well, I'm going to go and figure out what I'm going to do tonight. Maybe I'll use the clasic innie-minnie-miney-mo, but going off pure fate and luck always turns out bad.

4. A minute later

Mon, 17 Jul 2006 02:27:16 GMT

Oh yeah and i'm going to have the biggest dinner tonight. And i'm going to stuff my face and enjoy every bit of it because no one is there to watch me not even my parents.

Sometimes i get nauseous when people watch me eat. I remember one time i was so starving that i ate a salad infront of Rob and looked up at him and he was looking at me, not peculiarly or anything of the like just..looking and i got so nauseous i got up and went to the bathroom because I thought i was about to blow my salad everywhere.

AND THAT'S NOT EVEN A MADE UP STORY!

3. Only Sometimes

Mon, 17 Jul 2006 02:26:27 GMT

To be honest with you I really do have terrible self-esteem, but I don't find that a significant trait or anything, I mean i know lots of 16 year old whiney teenagers fit into the category of an ego-defficiency.

But you know what I can bet? I can bet that i'm the only one that will lock myself inside my room for so long because of it. For the past week i havn't done anything productive except for sat on my arse attempting to read the bell jar because I havn't liked one thing on my face recently or any of the sort.

So then i get critisized by someone on top of all this and usually I'm the kind of girl that just shakes off remarks that are suppose to shit you down, but I don't know i guess this one got to me. So i cried about it. I'm too much of a pansy to even do anything about it (but then again, i did cry about it..and that counts as something), but then I guess I could use it as motivation for my upcoming goals that i'm probably not going to achieve.

You know as cliche as it sounds i don't think anyone could really get what's up in HERE

But who knows maybe I'm just carrying it a little bit to far as i do everything else.

2. I don't know. Do you?

Mon, 17 Jul 2006 00:22:51 GMT

Maybe being insane isn't that bad, because you just end up keeping to yourself for the most part. It's like keeping to yourself but annoying other people..and that just bothers other people..but it never bothers you too much.

And then other times I just want to be in love.

Anyways. Starting tomorrow i'm going to try and fast. I mean it will be a good attempt with good timing since it's hot and it really is difficult to eat when it is hot. So here i gooooooooooooooooooooooooo..again.

Live in love.

Ps: I just ate the last ice-cube in the cup and it gave me a sense of lonelynesss. I don't know..maybe I am crazy.

1.Strange New Beginings

Sun, 16 Jul 2006 00:51:15 GMT

It's a good thing that large mishap happened.
I felt it was time for a new journal.

I plan to be addicted to this journal and fill it with lots and lots of nonsense sorts of deals and random pictures of things. I hope all of you don't mind too much.

Live in love.